Heartbreak is something that is bound to happen in our lives, whether it’s the death of a loved one or even losing a best friend and/or boyfriend. Throughout my life I’ve had many loses. I’ve had as many best friends as far as I can remember, countless heartbreaks from “individuals” who didn’t deserve to have me in their lives, even heartbreak from my own family members who are supposed to be the main ones I can count on no matter what. With the amount of times I’ve been disappointed and betrayed I could write a book and 3 others to follow up.
Dealing with “heartbreak” is something I’ve always avoided. Whatever the situation was/is,I distracted myself whether it was listening to music or just filling the void and talking to other people, even as far as telling myself it’s going to be okay when evidently it wasn’t. In addition to my depression. the emotional aftermath that came along with what I was dealing with took a real toll on me. There would be days where I wouldn’t eat because I didn’t have the appetite which resulted in me losing a lot of weight. I dreaded when the night came along because I would struggle to fall asleep since my thoughts “enjoyed the satisfaction” of keeping me up. Constantly having to cry in silence in fear of being judged by my family because they offer no emotional support. Day in and day out questioning myself on what I did wrong, that everything was my fault and deserved whatever came my way. Boy I tell you depression can add on so much emotional weight that it feels as if heavy rocks have been tied around your feet , you’re thrown into a lake and there’s no possible way to come up for air.
Recently, well a few hours ago in fact, I made the decision to let go of my VERY FIRST BOYFRIEND. Does he deserve that title? No he doesn’t but because of the well known clown that I am lol he got that emotional gratification. We both went into the relationship seeing the red flags but disregarded it anyway. We both were petty and argumentative which was part of the reason we argued over 90% of the time. Call me blind but I was DEEPLY invested in this boy to the point I was okay with this toxic behavior. He treated me as if I was some regular degular girl he picked up on the street and not as someone he was emotionally invested in. There were times where he was disrespectful towards me and blamed it on me being too sensitive or I take things too personal. Stemming from my household I thought this behavior was normal and didn’t really take anything from it.
A few weeks ago, I was suffering from a depressive episode, and for a few days straight I was not in the right mental state. We met up and while we were sitting in his car I tried to hold in my emotions because I KNEW I wasn’t going to receive the emotional support from MY OWN BOYFRIEND. I finally broke down and can you guys believe what he did. HE STARED AT ME and his words to me were “Whenever I’m sad or depressed I just go through my day. I don’t know what to tell you but I really hope you get better and you figure out what’s going on with me”. Guys THIS IS COMING FROM MY OWN BOYFRIEND. No hug, no embrace, NOTHING. Yank my hair and slap me silly because I still STAYED.
There are a few more situations that happened that led to my breaking point but we’ll save that. Monday December 2nd,2019, I finally made the decision that I would leave and find my happiness. During my counseling session, I was told that I need to stop running away from my emotions and face them head on. We all go through some type of loss in life which sucks, but we’re still here and living most of our lives. After I came to terms with that, I did what had to be done and I have to say the biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m ready for emotional aftermath because I know after everything is said and done, I WILL be okay.
Thank you all for reading my story and allowing to share my experience!!!