Venting Hour:Loosing My Creativity

    The school semester of fall 2019/2020 is about to end and all I can say is that it has been a whirlwind of emotions. This is my sophomore year of college and to be very frank I have no direction with my life. Over the summer I had this grand idea of switching majors due to my unhappiness with working towards nursing. I indulge in my impulsive behavior, dropped all my classes and decided to switch to Communication Technology. At first I was ecstatic to see what this new endeavor in my life would bring but as the months went by I began to lose all motivation. Seeing that I wouldn’t have my families support, the burning light I once had for entering into the CT world began to fizzle. With the addition of my many depressive episodes throughout these months I was not in the right state of mind. I began skipping class because of my lack of motivation although I was still getting the coursework done. I was doing it not because I was passionate but because I needed to get a good grade. Now granted many other majors follow that concept. You go to class, study as much as you can in order to get a good grade. Yes there are many students who have passion for what they’re majoring in but for the majority it’s survival of the fittest. Those with the highest grades succeed while those who can’t, sit in the back burner. 

       By the end of November I came to the realization that CT was not for me. Yes I’m very creative and I have lots of ideas to express but I also had to have a self reflection on whether or not this is something I wanted to do as a career. I was also scared that no one would understand or I would essentially be judged for  my creativity in terms of what I write. This added on to my lack of motivation due to this fear I had within myself This is the first time in all my years of schooling that I was being graded for being creative. I’ve been given a platform to use to express my ideas yet I was holding myself back. That’s why I decided to create my segment “The Venting Hour” where I would express myself towards many of my life situations. I came to the realization that there are many individuals that are able to relate to what I’m going through. Being in college with no familiar support is hard and to top it all off with not knowing what will become of my life in terms of choosing a major, graduating on time. and trying to determine what my career will be once I graduate. Apart of me wants to stay in CT to get to know my more creative side but deep down I know this is not something I see myself doing long term. When I think about it I may even continue it as a minor instead of a my major which would be more ideal for me 

Venting Hour: My Life With Anxiety

“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.”

Benjamin Franklin

   For the last 5 years having anxiety has kept me from living my life to its full potential. My form of anxiety can be classified as Social Anxiety/Social Phobia. In my perspective it’s a constant anxious feeling and fear when it comes to social interaction. This sense of  worry has often caused me to  avoid social situations as much as possible. 

   Dating back to my childhood I’ve always been a shy person and never really interacted much with others. It wasn’t until my senior year of elementary school /freshman year of high school that I realized something wasn’t right. In elementary school I would have to walk a few blocks to school everyday and If I saw a group of men or kids I would instantly be overwhelmed with this anxious feeling and immediately walk on the other side of the street. If I wasn’t fortunate enough to cross the street I would walk slowly behind the group of kids until I reached my destination or when they branched off from one another. This continued for a good while until I graduated. Transitioning into High School, I now had to take 2-3 trains depending on the given day. Being on  multiple crowded trains for almost an hour each morning did not sit well with me.

tired work GIF by ADWEEK

For the first 2 weeks of my freshman year, my Dad took me to and from school (GOD BLESS HIM) every morning. I had someone who was able to distract me from thinking about the crowds of people so I wasn’t experiencing any anxiety at the time. Once it was time for me to start traveling by myself, it FINALLY hit me that I could not handle being on my own. As soon as I stepped on the train I was being hit left and right with feelings of being anxious. Since I didn’t have a phone at the time I had no choice but to look at the people around me and that made me much more anxious.

nervous disney GIF

As a month or two went by and I was able to contain myself until one day I was harassed by a  group of few older kids (guys to be specific). After this situation occurred, I had the same routine everyday. In the mornings I would try to take the 6:30am/6:45am train because that’s when it was less crowded. I would stand in the same spot because I knew all eyes would not be on me. This pattern continued for the entire train ride to school, in every train that I had to take. When I was leaving to go home, I waited until 4-5 trains passed before I got on. During this time the trains would be packed with school kids who were trying to get home as well. I wanted to avoid seeing those older kids as much as possible in fear of something happening once again. There were times that I would be unlucky and would be stuck in a packed train. My heart would be racing a mile a minute, and every laugh or snicker I thought it would be directed towards me which increased my anxiousness to another level.

Image result for anxiety memes"

This cycle continued for most of my freshman year and the first semester of sophomore year . For the second half of sophomore year, this is where I began to make more friends  and even joined the lacrosse team. Yes this was a good thing but it also made me more dependent on always having people around me. Wherever I went I always had to have someone with me. For  example I would make my friends order for me when we went out to eat, I would even wait for hours until my friends were done with their after school activities so I wouldn’t have to go home. If no one was available I would make sure to be on the phone with someone. If ALL else failed I plugged in my earphones and consumed my train ride with my phone. Because I conditioned myself to go through social situations this way, it became harder and harder for me to function. If I left my headphones home, I would turn back around no matter how late I was.This new cycle stuck with me throughout high school and even as I transitioned into college. 

As I started going to York, this is where my anxiety took a turn for both good and bad. For my freshman year, I began to isolate myself from the college world. Thank God for my 2 best friends because if it wasn’t for them I would be alone and miserable. Because York has such  a large amount of students, I took it upon myself to learn all the “isolated routes” to my classes. This  way I would be able to avoid having to walk past crowds of people.  I barely participated in many of my classes because I was afraid of being judged or laughed at, especially since I didn’t know anyone. If I was late to class, even if it was 10 minutes, I would not go in because of my fear of being judged. This lead me to miss out on many lectures but by the Grace of God I was still able to pass my classes.

Image result for anxiety memes"

The summer of my sophomore year of college, this is where I began to see my school counselor. He made me realize that me being harassed on the train contributed to me having ptsd to some extent. I conditioned myself to a point where I couldn’t handle being alone or deal with regular social situations such as being on a crowded train/bus, walking pass a group of people, maintaining  eye contact, and even waling in 10 minutes late to class. My counselor challenged me  to do some exercises where I can see how long and i can go without being on my phone and while at work trying to maintain eye contact with customers. Although this was very hard to do, gradually I began to put it into practice and I have seen a major difference when it comes to being in social situations. Granted there are days where I am overwhelmed but its all apart of my journey of overcoming my anxiety.

 

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. 

 

Venting Hour: My First Tattoo

    There are many of us out there that have engaged in some form of impulsive behavior whether it’s good or bad. During my journey into adulthood, I’ve had the habit of being one of those people that indulge in their impulsive thoughts. For my 18th birthday, I had my mind set on getting a nose piercing and yes I know it’s not the most conventional birthday gift a girl can ask for right. I always saw it as a way of one expressing themselves but growing up in a Caribbean household, it was seen as the sign of the devil, being  unholy, etc, etc. My plan was to go behind my parents back to get my piercing and deal with whatever punishment they had in store. What I will say their words had a lot of power and it persuaded me to ease off on getting my piercing. 

    Entering into my sophomore year of college, I became more persistent on the idea of getting a piercing and once again I was persuaded by the powerful words of my parents to ease off. A few months later I got this grand idea of getting a tattoo. Now I know there’s a lot of stigma behind getting a tattoo and seeing that it is permanent but as mentioned before I’m all about expressing oneself no matter what it is. Some people write poems or songs, I prefer body modification.

oh no gasp GIF by The Maury Show

    It took a lot of courage to talk myself into going through with it. This is something that would essentially change  people’s perception of me if they were to see I have a tattoo, but in all honesty I didn’t care. I’m a big believer in living your true self no matter how much people talk down on you because at the end of it all it’s you have a right to your own life. August 29th, 2019, was when I finally made the decision to get my first tattoo. I was hanging out with my two best friends and I had the impulsive thought to just get it that day. Thank God for their support because I would’ve never been able to do it by  myself.It was a small tattoo parlor near Jamaica Ave, I went in, described what I wanted, and signed the form agreeing to any risk that come up after getting the tattoo. 

artist tattoo GIF

Seeing as the tattoo I chose was very simple, the session only lasted for about 5 minutes. The pain was bare-able and it felt as if I was being pricked by a needle over and over. After, I felt as if I was now a new person seeing as I made a very huge decision in terms of my body and my life. It was my little secret that I got to enjoy and not criticized by the judgment of my own family

members.

Venting Hour: Dealing With Heartbreak

    Heartbreak is something that is bound to happen in our lives, whether it’s the death of a loved one or even losing a best friend and/or boyfriend. Throughout my life I’ve had many loses. I’ve had as many best friends as far as I can remember, countless heartbreaks from “individuals” who didn’t deserve to have me in their lives, even heartbreak from my own family members who are supposed to be the main ones I can count on no matter what. With the amount of times I’ve been disappointed and betrayed I could write a book and 3 others to follow up.

    Dealing with “heartbreak” is  something I’ve always avoided. Whatever the situation was/is,I distracted myself whether it was listening to music or just filling the void and talking to other people, even as far as telling myself it’s going to be okay when evidently it wasn’t. In addition to my depression. the emotional aftermath that came along with what I was dealing with took a real toll on me. There would be days where I wouldn’t eat because I didn’t have the appetite which resulted in me losing a lot of weight. I dreaded when the night came along because I would struggle to fall asleep since my thoughts “enjoyed the satisfaction” of keeping me up. Constantly having to cry in silence in fear of being judged by my family because they offer no emotional support. Day in and day out questioning myself on what I did wrong, that everything was my fault and deserved whatever came my way. Boy I tell you depression can add on so much emotional weight that it feels as if heavy rocks have been tied around your feet , you’re thrown into a lake and there’s no possible way to come up for air. 

drowning adrien brody GIF

   Recently, well a few hours ago in fact, I made the decision to let go of my VERY FIRST BOYFRIEND. Does he deserve that title? No he doesn’t but because of the well known clown that I am lol he got that emotional gratification. We both went into the relationship seeing the red flags but disregarded it anyway. We both were petty and argumentative which was part of the reason we argued over 90% of the time. Call me blind but I was DEEPLY invested in this boy to the point I was okay with this toxic behavior. He treated me as if I was some regular degular girl he picked up on the street and not as someone he was emotionally invested in. There were times where he was disrespectful towards me and blamed it on me being too sensitive or I take things too personal. Stemming from my household I thought this behavior was normal and didn’t really take anything from it.

    A few weeks ago, I was suffering from a depressive episode, and for a few days straight I was not in the right mental state. We met up and while we were sitting in his car I tried to hold in my emotions because I KNEW I wasn’t going to receive the emotional support from MY OWN BOYFRIEND. I finally broke down and can you guys believe what he did. HE STARED AT ME and his words to me were “Whenever I’m sad or depressed I just go through my day. I don’t know what to tell you but I really hope you get better and you figure out what’s going on with me”. Guys THIS IS COMING FROM MY OWN BOYFRIEND. No hug, no embrace, NOTHING. Yank my hair and slap me silly because I still STAYED.

If You Say So Reaction GIF by Identity

   There are a few more situations that happened that led to my breaking point but we’ll save that. Monday December 2nd,2019, I finally made the decision that I would leave and find my happiness. During my counseling session, I was told that I need to stop running away from my emotions and face them head on. We all go through some type of loss in life which sucks, but we’re still here and living most of our lives. After I came to terms with that, I did what had to be done and I have to say the biggest weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m ready for emotional aftermath because I know after everything is said and done, I WILL be okay. 

 

Thank you all for reading my story and allowing to share my experience!!!

Zine Project Attempt

Hi All! Thank you for visiting my site to take a closer look at my creating process towards the Zine project

The first step was starting out on a “blank canvas”. I searched up images that were animated and consisted of a phone in a personas hand. As mentioned I wanted to  show the “emotions” of a phone being used constantly.

Secondly I was debating on what I could do to make my idea come to life and I  decided  that instead of showing the effects of a person using their phone constantly, I would take a “comedic” approach and show the phone crying instead.

To make the phone a little more realistic, I searched up images that had a few of the social networks logos so it would be displayed as  the home screen.  I found one where the logos were all the same color scheme, so it gives it a   more “aesthetically pleasing” look

       

Lastly, I came up with the idea to present the phone “talking” in the midst of it ‘crying”  to add a bit more life into the image. I edited an image of a caption bubble an added the words “For Christ Sake. Put Me Down!”

Seeing as this is my first attempt creating my design for the Zine project, I’m much more excited to see what I can put together for the final creation!.

There’s Always Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Has there ever been a time where you were overcome with an overwhelming  feeling of sadness or  sudden feeling of unworthiness. If yes then I have been in that same boat . For the  past 3 years I’ve been in and out of a  constant state of depression. I’ve decided  to use this platform to speak on my experiences because there are many individuals who feel they’re going through this journey alone but there are thousands, even millions of people who are battling with depression.

                                                       What is Depression?

Depression or major depressive disorder is a very common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how an individual feels  the way they think and how they act. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities  that were once enjoyable. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home. some of they many symptoms include:

  • Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
  • Loss of energy or increased fatigue
  • Loss of energy or increased fatigue
  • Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
  • Thoughts of death or suicide

Studies have shown that depression  affects an estimated  (6.7% of adults in any given year. And 16.6%of people will experience depression at some time in their life. Depression can strike at any time, but on average, first appears during the late teens to mid-20’s.

                                        My Experiences With Depression

It was my second semester of Junior Year of high school when I realized that mentally something was very off. I was becoming more and more emotionally unstable.I began to have an overwhelming feeling of loneliness which led me  to start isolating myself from my friends and family. I was becoming more and more irritable and fatigued. Daily activities in a whole were becoming more and more challenging. Living in a household where depression is seen as a myth or you just being sad really added on to my symptoms becoming worse and worse. For the first  2 years of my life I was constantly dismissed if I stated that I wasn’t okay mentally. I was told there was nothing wrong with me or that I just needed some rest day in and day out. My living situation at the time was not the best which contributed to my constant thoughts of ending my life. There were times where I would research ways to bring harm to myself but never had the guts to do it.  I would never forget Senior Year of high school, I stayed home for two days straight because I was having a mental breakdown. Can you imagine waking up, on the verge of having a panic attack because you’re unsure of whats wrong with you. Being bombarded with so many emotions at a time and living in a household where no one fully understood what was going on with you.  This is something I wouldn’t wish on on anyone.

Entering into college I began to do more and more research to pinpoint what was truly going on with me both mentally and emotionally. After extensive amount of research I came to the conclusion that I was indeed going through a stage of depression. No psychiatrist was needed to diagnose something that was evidently there. I decided to take matters into my own hands and began seeking counseling. The summer which began my sophomore year of college I began attending weekly sessions with my college counselor. Here I was able to pinpoint some situations that brought on my depression and it also offered me an outlet to express my emotions no matter how big or small they were. While seeking counseling my family has disagreed with my actions because they feel as though it’s a waste of time seeing as “nothing is wrong with me” but me being me I’ve continued to attend my weekly sessions. I will say I have seen an extensive amount of progress within myself. Yes there are days where I feel myself being overwhelmed but I always try to think of the good days that I’ve been blessed to have while on this journey to work on my mental health.

 

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

 

 

 

Finding My Inner CT

 Over the summer,  I decided to change my major to Communication Technology and I had no idea what to expect.

conceited template I guess

As I was looking through the descriptions for all my classes I came across CT 101 and was immediately interested in what it had to offer.

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 Fast forward to the first week of classes, I was struggling to wake up especially since I had to wake up for  CT 101 at 10 am.

When I stepped into York I immediately wanted to hide with all the incoming freshman’s and upperclassman wandering around.Animated GIF

As I was approaching the CT 101 class I was extremely nervous because I had no friends entering the class.

 

When Ryan made everyone introduce themselves to the class I was shocked.   He’s the first Professor I’ve had that wanted to get to know their students.

  When Ryan was explaining that we would be making our own memes and giphs and he decided to disrespect my ears saying giph instead of jiph while

After the first session of class I was really excited to see how creative I can be throughout the semester with the different assignments that will be given to us.